This article is part of a new series on domestic abuse and violence in the GLBT community. Currently over 25% of gay / same gender relationships are now reported to be involved in some type of serious domestic abuse. These figures are staggering, and the current lack of help and resources for this growing epidemic is shameful. Our community's awareness is imperative. It is time to unite to help provide gay abuse victims with the appropriate crisis intervention, and a solid support network.

As in opposite-gendered couples, the problem is likely underreported. Facing a system which is often oppressive and hostile towards gays, those involved in same-gender battering frequently report being afraid of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship. Others who do not identify as GLBT may not feel that their relationship fits the definition but may still be in an abusive and dangerous relationship.

In many ways, domestic violence in lesbian, bisexual and gay relationships is the same as in opposite-gendered (e.g., heterosexually-paired) relationships:

• No one deserves to be abused.
• Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate.
• Abuse often occurs in a cyclical fashion.
• The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner.
• The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow her or his fault, or could have been avoided if she or he knew what to do.

Several important aspects of lesbian, bisexual, and gay relationships mean domestic violence is often experienced differently:
In same-sex abuse, a pattern of violence or behaviors exists where one seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of their intimate partner, or to punish their partner for resisting their control. This may been seen as physical or sexual violence, or emotional and verbal abuse. An additional form of emotional abuse for someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual may be to “out” them at work or to family or friends.

Local resources for domestic violence in the GLBT community are often scarce and many traditional domestic violence services lack the training, sensitivity, and expertise to adequately recognise and address abusive GLBT relationships. A gay individual who is being battered must overcome homophobia and denial of the issue of battering. Lesbians, bisexuals and gay men who have been abused have much more difficulty in finding sources of support than heterosexual women who are battered by their male partners.

Here are more ways same-gender domestic violence is unique:

• It is frequently incorrectly assumed that lesbian, bi and gay abuse must be "mutual." It is not often seen as being mutual in heterosexual battering.
• Utilizing existing services (such as a shelter, attending support groups or calling a crisis line) either means lying or hiding the gender of the batterer to be perceived (and thus accepted) as a heterosexual. Or it can mean "coming out", which is a major life decision. If lesbians, bi's and gays come out to service providers who are not discreet with this information, it could lead to the victim losing their home, job, custody of children, etc. This may also precipitate local by-laws to affect some of these changes, depending on the area.
• Telling heterosexuals about battering in a lesbian, bi or gay relationship can reinforce the myth many believe that lesbian, bi and gay relationships are "abnormal." This can further cause the victim to feel isolated and unsupported.
• The lesbian, bi and gay community is often not supportive of victims of battering because many want to maintain the myth that there are no problems (such as child abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, etc.) in lesbian, bi and gay relationships.
• Receiving support services to help one escape a battering relationship is more difficult when there are also oppressions faced. Battered lesbians and female bisexuals automatically encounter sexism and homophobia, and gay and bisexual men encounter homophobia. Lesbian or gay people of color who are battered also face racism. These forms of social oppressions make it more difficult for these groups to get the support needed (legal, financial, social, housing, medical, etc.) to escape and live freely from an abusive relationship.
• Lesbian, bi and gay survivors of battering may not know others who are lesbian, bi or gay, meaning that leaving the abuser could result in total isolation.
• Lesbians, bisexuals and gays are usually not as tied financially to their partner, which can be a benefit if they decide to end the relationship. However, if their lives are financially intertwined, such as each paying a rent or mortgage and having "built a home together", they have no legal process to assist in making sure assets are evenly divided, a process which exists for their married, heterosexual counterparts.

The lesbian, bi and gay community within the area may be small, and in all likelihood everyone the survivor knows will soon know of their abuse. Sides will be drawn and support may be difficult to find. Anonymity is not an option, a characteristic many heterosexual survivors can draw upon in "starting a new life" for themselves within the same city.

Concerned about your relationship?

• Are you afraid of your partner?
• Does your partner try to control what you do and who you see?
• Has your partner ever threatened to harm you or your family?
• Has your partner ever hit you or thrown things at you?
• Have you ever been forced to have sex, or unprotected sex?

If you answered yes - even once - your partner may be abusive!

• Talk with somebody you trust - a friend, relative, someone from work, your house of worship, or a health care practitioner.
• Remember everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Don't let your partner control or mistreat you. Help is available.
• At some time you may find yourself in trouble, so be prepared and put together an "emergency kit" of things you would really need if you had to leave suddenly. 

Have An Emergency Kit Ready!

1. Money - store some cash in a secret place where you can easily get to it. Be sure to include some coins for phone calls.
2. Keys - an extra set if keys should be kept in a safe place (at a friend's or neighbor's) in case you need to leave quickly.
3. Important papers for you - birth certificates, passports, health insurance documents, photo ID/driver's license, immunization records, checkbook, medication, etc. (or copies of them) should be kept in a safe place.
4. Basic items - keep a small bag with your medicines, copies of your legal papers, an extra pair of glasses, and a set of clothes.

Over half of gay men are uncomfortable displaying affection for another man in public, according to a survey.

Out of the 3,200 men who took part in the survey conducted by free gay dating website ManCentral.com, 23% of gay and bisexual men said that felt uncomfortable displaying affection in public, and 38% of those asked stated that they would only be brave enough to do so within a specifically gay-friendly environment.   

The survey found that the age group who said they felt the most uncomfortable with public displays of affection were men aged 18-24, and those aged 61 and over who felt the same way totaled only 19%.

A spokesman for ManCentral.com said: "It is worth noting than men now aged over 60 would have been in their late teens and early twenties when homosexuality was illegal in the UK, yet the statistics indicate they feel less repressed than those aged 18-24 in today's society.

"There remains a sense that homosexual displays of affection are at worst, unacceptable, or at best, somewhat taboo."

At least once a week, I get an e-mail or instant message from a total stranger saying something along the lines of: “Dude, you’re really hot but I don’t need to pay for it.”

Like I fuckin care.

I don’t respond to these narcissists very often , but when I do I make sure to point out that a good 90 to 95% of the guys who hire me don’t “need” to hire either.  It’s true.  Most of my clients are attractive, intelligent, nicely-built, well-socialized guys who could get laid at a bar or a bathhouse with little or no trouble, any night of the week.  And most of the guys who hire me treat me better (they’re more considerate, more respectful) than most of the guys I meet in at those same bars and bath houses. 

So why do they hire?

First off, there’s the sheer economics of it.  Once you add up the expenses involved in your average Saturday night fishing expedition (drinks, parking, getting something to eat) your total is going to come pretty close to what it costs to hire an escort anyway.  And that doesn’t factor in the risk that the guy you finally end up with is going to be some kind of cock tease… 

There’s also the “no muss, no fuss” factor:  you're a busy guy and you don't have all day (or all night) to fuck around looking for a playmate.  With an escort  you buy your ticket, you take your ride, you rinse off, and that’s the end of it.  One guy even told me that the main reason he hires is so that when and how his date leaves is built into the deal… no awkward silences and nobody’s feelings get hurt.

Also, there’s “what happens in Vegas…”  Now I happen to live and work in Las Vegas, but I’m also talking more broadly.  You find yourself in a strange town where you don't know anybody.  So maybe you’ve got the urge to do something you don’t normally do in your “real” life… like have a big, beefy redhead on top of you.  Or maybe you want to have dinner with a handsome guy who isn't one of the salesmen you'll be with for the next three days.  Why deal with the tweakers and game-players of craigslist or ManHunt when you can get exactly what you’re in the mood for within your limited timeframe?  

And of course there’s no underestimating the power of wanting to be with a specific porn star after you seen him in action.  I can honestly tell you that the overwhelming majority of the guys I know from working in porn are some of the nicest, friendliest people I’ve met.  But there’s still only one way to get to know most of us all up close and personal like…

Lastly:  you’re worth it.  You hire professionals to work on your car and paint your kitchen  precisely the way you want, don’t’ you?  Well what’s wrong with bringing in an intimacy consultant when the need arises?

All of which is to say that there’s nothing wrong with spending a little dough to get exactly what you want, when where and how you want it.  You might not “need” to hire, but that shouldn't’t prevent you from getting the good time you’re in the mood for.

Secrets of the unpredictable Penis

He`s cute in a rugged sort of way, you caught his eye as you entered the room, instant chemistry flows causing a stirring below. Two hours later, hands have brushed thighs, cheeky stories have been shared, bums have been touched but just as the excited anticipation of the next few hours has crossed your mind so has the apprehension that Mr Unpredictable may misbehave yet again, and later true to form, your temperamental friend again seems to have mind of his own and lets you down.

Does this sound familiar? If so then you have experienced what most men, at sometime in their sensual encounters have also experienced. God forbid that you have problem, of course not! and yet just when you want things to go to plan, they don’t and frustration and embarrassment rule the day.

I have been working as a Psycho-Sensual Masseur for 4 years and Sex Therapist for 2 years and at least 40% of the clients I see have come to me with what I believe is the most common and least understood or dealt with performance problem, properly called Situational Erectile Dysfunction and the myth is that it mainly effects men over 40, this is not the case. Why?  

Because it’s often not frustrating enough to make you go to the Doctor, your ego forbids you from using herbal or chemical aids and embarrassment stops you talking about it to a friend. So most just hope for the best and pray that when the time comes Mr Unpredictable will behave.

But first I will explain the complexities of diagnosis because before one can begin to investigate the individual problem one has to know what the problem actually is.

Not getting or not maintaining an erection can fall in to 5 main categories, some will be driven by physiological causes others by psychological some by a combination of both. They are:-

Primary: when the man has never been able to achieve an erection. This represents approximately 10% of cases of erectile dysfunction.

Secondary: when the man has had erections in the past, but can no longer achieve or maintain an erection. This is traditionally has been viewed as the most common type of erectile dysfunction.

Situational: Much more common than research reveals ,when the man can only achieve an erection in particular situation or with a particular person. For example, he is able to achieve an erection with an extramarital partner, but not his usual partner, or vice-versa. One of the most common scenarios for situational erectile dysfunction is the first time a man tries to have sexual intercourse with someone new

Total: when the lack of erection is complete.

Partial: when there is a degree of erection, but it insufficient to allow sexual intercourse.

In this Blog I want to hear from anyone who experiences any of the above and who has either not sought advice or those that the treatment they are receiving is not working and I will do my best to give you a better understanding of what is going on, why and how to make Mr Unpredictable reliable!

Colin J de C Richards

Psycho-Sensual & Sexual Performance Therapist

www.massage33.com

Colin qualified as a Therapeutic and Sports masseur in 1995, having trained under the Association of Natural Medicines. He worked for several years as resident masseur at The Eldon Osteopathic Clinic in Devon. It was in 2005 that he moved to London to establish Massage 33.

His aim was to put into practice his personal philosophy and belief that sensual (tantric) massage, if given as a professional therapeutic treatment, could be proved to be beneficial for those experiencing lack of intimacy or sexual challenges in their personal lives and not just regarded as a pseudo spiritual sexual massage. Soon his philosophy was proven right as increasingly clients who came to him with a variety of needs found the treatment not only very fulfilling but also beneficial and often acted as a catalyst to make change in their personal lives.

Consequently and to enhance his skills and provide a more professional and informed support, in 2006 Colin trained as a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist. Since then he has continued to develop his philosophy by combining his body work skills with established and proven psychosexual techniques. With this further knowledge and the invaluable experience of seeing more than 2500 clients over the past 3 years, he developed the massage and in 2008 he re-branded Massage 33 to become M33 offering a this new style of massage, that he calls PsychoSensual massage to help men, women and couples of all sexualities with either physiological or psychological issues challenging their intimate lives.

Colin is now training others the principals and techniques of PsychoSensual Massage and his vision for the future is to create an “Intimacy Centre” A clinic for Psychosexual and Relationship therapy with integrating Sensual Treatments with Psychosexual Counselling.

 

Collin

There are few experiences more pleasurable than to be stroked, caressed and cared for intimately by another’s touch. From the moment we are born we are touched and physically nurtured by our parents making us feel warm and safe in a new and strange world. Our bodies are physically, emotionally and psychologically designed for this, it is no coincidence that for most of us, when feeling another’s touch, it relaxes us, stimulates us, we feel good, we feel we belong and rarely will we ask for it to stop.

 

But without touch we can feel physically, psychologically and emotionally neglected and isolated. Why is this?

 

Massage at any level is an intimate and potentially sensual experience and whether a muscle focussed sports massage, aromatherapy, aueverdic or a standard Swedish massagolline all involve some form of intimate touch, given by one human being to another. Although each style of massage will have its particular technique and application all obviously include touch and it is this aspect that though often not spoken about, even acknowledged by the masseur or client, can be sensual and I believe is much of why we like to receive the treatment in the first place. Yet paradoxically this pleasure of the touch can also cause the client anxiety, as they struggle to disguise the pleasure felt and suppress the body’s natural arousal for fear of behaving inappropriately and embarrassing themselves or the therapist. Usually the therapist will talk openly about the treatment they are giving, explain its benefits but often avoid the topic of potential arousal leaving the situation ambiguous and often confused

Collin